Thought you might get a laugh outta this.


May 31, 2003

H.J. Heinz Company World Headquarters
600 Grant Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15219

Dear Sir or Madam:

First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the world's finest ketchup. You can rest assured that for as long as I live, Heinz ketchup will hold a special place in my heart. However, in the recent past, you have switched from glass bottles to squeezable plastic ones.

This is the reason why I write to you today. I always enjoyed my Heinz ketchup, and part of that enjoyment was the tough time I had getting the ketchup from the bottle to the plate. You see, good things come to those who wait. It gave my mouth enough time to properly salivate before a great tasting meal.

The other thing with plastic bottles is that when the ketchup is nearing the end, the bottle makes fart noises. Quite frankly, I don’t think that those types of noises are appropriate for the dinner table (or for any table actually). It is quite revolting. I don’t know what kind of person can eat their food after hearing that sound.

So what I don’t understand is, why do eateries still have access to glass bottles, and I don’t? I suggest reintroducing the glass bottle - for the more sophisticated ketchup user - as soon as possible to all grocery stores.

PS: Thank you for going organic! I just spotted one of your organic products and I was delighted to see that Heinz is taking a step away from scientifically created consumables. So, if you’re going to reintroduce the glass bottles, do it for the organic ketchup, not the regular one with all the crap in it. By the way, if you are not going to switch to glass, is it possible we can set up something exclusive. I would be able to easily impress all the ladies, being the only guy with a glass ketchup bottle.